my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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