just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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