Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
