sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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