No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
we're so committed to being not committed
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
