An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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