Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
