im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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