Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
