just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
