dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
