my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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