Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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