I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
