I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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