Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
