You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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