Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
