We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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