I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so let's talk penis.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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