that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
