I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
