i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
