I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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