If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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