my vag is so smooth its legendary
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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