She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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