Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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