the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
