i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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