Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
