i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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