..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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