I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
