and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
