Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
