I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
