I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
