It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
