watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
