everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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