Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
