How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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