oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Is it because I queefed?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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