Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
