You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
