sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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