I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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