I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize