Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
