So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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