I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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