goodnight i made you a song goodbye
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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