Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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