I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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